Feeling different yet knowing I am part of Trying to blend in knowing that I stand out Feeling weak and less than knowing that I am strong and special In the end, the only choice: I am who I was made to be.

Several times in the past...

Several times in the past I felt so uncomfortable in myself that I really really listened for answers.  It seemed like the typical teenage angst, or mid-life crisis (does THAT ever end?!).  Yet by listening I was forced to change, pushed out of doing and being what I thought I was supposed to do and be—or worse, what others told me.

By praying, listening, crying, living new information seeped in and I shifted into a new way. 

People near me yelled and pleaded or laughed and mocked.  The foundations of my life until then were broken.  Dark, foggy drifting and reaching for…???

And then a new voice.  My new voice.  A deeper and stronger voice urging me into new places and understandings.  Following the voice, doing the only thing I could do; determined to be as completely me as possible.  Fog lifting, joy and pleasure in the newness and uncertainty.

There is a cycle, and the dark fog rolls in again.  Thin wisps combining to make a haze, then more into a thicker veil hiding the way.  Finally the dark and heavy weight of blindness and confusion.

I only know to keep talking to god and listening for a word, looking for the next step.  It's what we call hope, I guess.  And I do so hope that I am taking a good step, that all around me is, too.

We so deeply yearn to be seen, to be known.  To be heard and understood.

I spent some time with someone who doesn’t think well of me.  He doesn’t know much about me and doesn’t ask about me, but he sure thinks he knows me and that I am wanting.

It’s hurtful.  Part of me wants to stand up and declare my worth.  Pay attention to me!  I am important and valuable!  I am powerful and good and strong!  You awful person how could you not see me!

It’s hurtful.  And I don’t care to be hurt like that any more.  It’s his loss; God knows me, and that is good enough.

Like many preachers, I have only a couple of basic sermons and they come from my understanding of god and creation.  God created everything and looked around and said, ‘This is good!’  I am part of everything so god created me and must have said, ‘This is good!  The best Patricia ever!’

…and I use so much of this creation, this life that god made, trying to believe in my goodness.

Sometimes I am       

Sometimes I’m not

Which is which

I forgot

Feeling different

Feeling different

            yet knowing I am part of

Trying to blend in

            knowing that I stand out

Feeling weak and less than

            knowing that I am strong and special

In the end, the only choice

            I am who I was made to be