I'm lost.  Yet not.


I have no more paid work, no congregation to teach and grow with.  God is here.  There is a plan somewhere.  But I'm left with no instructions.  Again.


A few years ago, I was living my dream.  I was married to my true mate, retired and living on a boat that traveled the Intracoastal Waterway with land homes in two states for time off of the water with our families.  I was preaching and connected to people that I had met from all over the world.  I was writing steadily, working on new art, feeling at peace and useful, a part of life.


And then it was gone.  He changed, he left.  The savings, insurances, possessions and my sense of connectedness and safety in the world--gone.  It was a dark time of trying to decide whether to stay alive, then rebuilding very, very slowly.  Learning to function, reconnecting with god through the church, finding a way to create income and some self-worth, a new 'normal,' a life.


And its gone.  Again.


It isn't so dark this time.  I know god is all around and there is meaning in all of this.  In a few weeks I will be broke and without insurances, then soon after without a place to live.  There are few jobs and the hiring process is competitive and slow.


I wonder what to do.  I wonder what is next.  I wonder who I am and why I am.


I think I'll go swimming now.